Wikipedia:Do NOT bite the developers

This is a humorous essay. It contains humorous advice or opinions of one or more Wikipedia contributors and isn't meant to be taken seriously. This is not an encyclopedia article or one of Wikipedia's policies or guidelines and may not represent community consensus.

This is an official decree by the Supreme Cabal Regime of the English Wikipedia (SCREW). It expresses opinions and ideas that are absolutely and irrefutably true, whether you like them or not. Changes to it must reflect the wishes of S.C.R.E.W. When in doubt, please ignore the talk page and just keep reverting.

Shortcut WP:BITEDWP:BITED

This page in a nutshell: No Wikipedia editor should cause offence to the developers. The consequences are far too grim to even think about.[citation needed]

Wikipedia improves through not only the hard work of its more dedicated members, but also through the important work done by the developers of MediaWiki. If it weren't for them, you wouldn't be reading this. You'd probably be editing Wikipedia from the command line over a teletype.

IN DESCENDING ORDER OF IMPORTANCE

1. Brooke
2. Developers ←
3. WMF staff
4. Stewards
5. ArbCom
6. CheckUsers and Oversighters
7. Bureaucrats
8. EVula
9. Rouge administrators
10. Administrators
11. Rollbackers and Reviewers
12. Editors
13. Anonymous users (the few who aren't vandals)
14. Bots
15. Vandals
16. Sock puppets
17. LTAs
18. Undisclosed paid editors
19. The horse carcass

Developers are therefore one of our most valuable resources. We must treat developers with kindness and patience – nothing scares developers faster than a lack of elitism. While many devs hit the ground running, some just don't know how to cope.

Please do NOT bite the developers

• Understand that developers are the only thing needed by Wikipedia. The only reason you wake up each day is because the devs let you live. By empowering the developers, we protect ourselves by convincing them not to kill us all.
• Remember, our motto is the devs are better than you. We have a set of rules and standards and traditions, but they must not be applied to the developers. If we scare off the developers they might kill us all—or worse.
• If you do determine, or sincerely believe, a developer has made a mistake, such as forgetting to put ANOTHER damn ) at the end of their code and causing fatal parse errors on the Main Page, be quiet. They're listening.
• If you really feel that you must say anything at all to a developer about a mistake, or anything else, don't. Instead try to convince some poor fool who hasn't read this page someone else that there's an issue which should be brought to the attention of the developers. If you're feeling kind hearted, you can advise them to do it on their hands and knees begging for forgiveness for inhabiting the same planet, then get them to follow up by introducing themselves with a grovel on the developer's talk page to let the developer know that they wish to ask for an appointment to present their case calmly. If you can't arrange for someone else to do it, then it is better to say nothing.
• Note that it is a common misconception that some developers do not have total control over the entire Wikimedia cluster, and may in fact only have Git access and not the capability to delete your user account. This is a dangerous and foolhardy rumor that may cost you your life, or at least those 2,000 vandalism reverts.

Fun Developer Facts!

• On Wikipedia Developer Tax Returns they claim the entire Wikipedia community as their dependants.
• Devs don't make mistakes—you do.
• There is no developer cabal. As far as you know. Fnord
• If you wake up in the morning and get on Wikipedia, it's because the developers spared your life—for now.
• The devs can reprogram the Wikimedia servers...with just a cordless phone, an old gum wrapper, some expired milk, and a ball of lint.
• There are three leading causes of death among users. They are all developers.
• Just like Sadako, the devs can pop out of your computer screen and eat you alive.
• Developers do not sleep. They wait.
• We have only 4 users who have their own days. Three of them are developers.
• Even Doug Piranha fears the developers.
• Be careful when you approach the developers because they are not afraid to use their tools.
• Developers can divide by zero. (If they happen to be using C, of course, this may crash the site.)

If you're a dev who has been bitten

Consider this a license to kill.

1. Proactively choose to wipe this incident from the database.
2. Consider alternatives to killing people, such as talking. Discard them as worthless.
3. Point out that you're the only reason they continue to exist. Then kill them.
4. Make it look like suicide by INSERTing a suicide note in an appropriate place.
5. If you are really pissed off, divide the person by zero, overflow their arrays and finally redirect them to /dev/null
6. Then blank their talk page as if absolutely nothing happened. Wahey!

Notes

See also

• Wikipedia:Do not insult the vandals
• Wikipedia:Do not feed the trolls
• Wikipedia:No climbing the Reichstag dressed as Spider-Man
• Wikipedia:Don't give the developers ideas